THREE DAYS, 179 MILES...AND 5 MOVIES

To ride bicycle or to watch movies...That is the question. As the years pass the answer to that question is usually...Bicycle. My knees continue to feel good and my endurance gets better and better each year. Although I know this won't continue forever I feel I need to take advantage of the situation for as long as possible. Over the weekend I rode 179 miles. Not a big deal in the big scheme of things (if you don't like bragging...Don't read on), but what I was most proud of was reaching the 30,000 mile mark for the decade. I started keeping track of miles ridden on January 1, 2000. In that first year I rode just over 2300 miles. Each year I've increased that total. In 2004 I rode 6709.1 miles. Currently, I'm at 5054.9 miles for 2005...It shouldn't be a problem crushing last years mark. In short, bicycling takes up most of my movie watching time. But sometimes the movie and bicycle Gods look down on me with large toothy grins and the planets become aligned so that I can do both...Bicycle and watch movies. On second thought...Maybe it was because my wife went on vacation without me? Needless to say, it was a good weekend. Along with the 179 miles that I rode I was able to see 5 movies. Below is a short review of each. Enjoy.

DARK WATER: I'm so incredibly tired of the Japanese horror remake phenomenon. Did THE RING begin this craze? I personally think THE SIXTH SENSE was such a huge and surprising success that Hollywood was desperate to cash in on the "ghost" excitement. In DARK WATER Jennifer Connelly stars as a mother who loves and protects her daughter so much that it just might be driving her mad. She refuses to make the same mistakes her mother made. In doing so she pays more attention to not making parenting mistakes instead of actually taking care of her child. After separating from her husband and low on cash, she moves into an awful apartment building. I swear you can scroll down to THE RING 2 review for the rest. You might like this flick id you haven't seen the movies that it is trying imitate. Although the movie is a little boring it did have to strong points. The first is John C. Reilly, he plays a slimy realtor that is convinced that the awful apartment is a utopia. It was comical listening to him convince the Connelly character of this lie. ABC...Always Be Closing. I also liked the ending. Without giving the ending away the sacrifice that Connily makes and the scene with her and the "ghost" worked well. However, because the entire movie seems so redundant I can't recommend it. DARK WATER gets a "5".

Summer mmovie season exists for directors like Micheal Bay. Over the past 10 years no director has bigger explosions or more action than Bay directed movies. BAD BOYS (7), THE ROCK (9), and ARMAGEDDON (8) (yes, I'm purposely not mentioning PEARL HARBOR and BAD BOYS 2) were all crowd favorites that supplied dramatic explosions and elaborate action scenes with a special flare for making the actors involved look very cool. THE ISLAND begins with the introduction of Lincoln, played by Ewan McGregor, and Jordan played by Scarlett Johansson. For the record, Johansson has never done anything for me...But in this movie...She is hot! I've never seen anyone make an all white jogging suite look so good. Lincoln and Jordon seem to live in a perfect utopia. Their eco-pod world may not provide the best food or many options for clothing styles but it seems that everyone gets along and everything is done for them. Lincoln however is bored and very curious. With some investigation and help from a maintenance man played by Steve Buscemi Lincoln discovers that he is nothing but an insurance policy; A clone used for spare parts when the real Lincoln becomes sick or disfigured. After discovering this He and Jordan escape the eco-pod into the real world that they didn't know existed. Believe it or not the movie was working on a perfect 10 at this point. Bay's vision of the clone utopia was stylish and fun to look at. The suspense and thriller aspect was increasing rapidly...Until bay decided to go to familiar territory and turn a great story into a mindless chase movie. After escaping, they are hunted down by a special forces agent for hire played by Djimon Hounsou. Professional critics have written that was a practice in bad casting. I thought Hounsou played the bad guy for hire role very well. The action sequences were are well done but I had to keep asking myself..."Haven't I've seen all of this before?" THE ISLAND gets a marginal thumbs up...A "6". Most science fiction fans will like the beginning but may not like the second half.

THE BAD NEWS BEARS is a remake of the 1974 movie of the same name starring Walter Mathou. I've never seen the original so I had to judge the film on its own Merritt. The current version stars Billy Bob Thorton as a drunk who for some extra cash decides to coach a cast of misfit kids in a summer baseball league. You have to respect Thorton. Not many men could walk away from Angela Jolie to go on tour with a horrible bar band. Thorton is a man you can admire. His character, Morris Buttermaker, is much the same. His nonchalant attitude takes an immediate effect on the young baseball team. The kids constantly fight while calling each other non-politically correct names. This was my favorite aspect of the movie. The world is so damn politically correct that it makes me sick. If you are offended by the worst player on the team, who happens to be a quadriplegic confined to a wheelchair, being placed in right field...You don't want to see this film. THE BAD NEWS BEARS is funny in subtle ways. Its not laugh out loud funny but I had a grin on my face through the entire movie. THE BEARS get a "7".

What the hell is Rob Zombie doing writing and directing a movie? What the hell is Hollywood thinking allowing him to write and direct his own movie? What the hell was I thinking paying good money to see his movie? What the hell! Rob Zombie has as much business directing a movie as a bald man entering a Rod Stewart look-a-like contest. Interesting fact: Rob Zombie's real name is Robert Cummings...He doesn't sound so cool now does he? The movie in question is THE DEVIL'S REJECTS, a sequel to 2003's HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES. I'm not going to waste a lot of time explaining what the movie is about. I will tell you that it has several disgesting murder scenes, awful awful language, and the world's scariest clown. Remember the the 2nd chick who replaced Suzanne Summers in Three's Company? She's in this movie! After reading this I'm sure you will be surprised to read...I kind of liked the flick. Am I ashamed?...Yes. I look at mindless entertainment as a "brain cleansing". Once your brain is cleansed you can be free to totally absorb good wholesome entertainment. THE DEVIL'S REJECTS gets a generous "6". One more thing. I wish I would have had a camera to take pictures of the freaks that were seeing this movie. The weight of their heads had to be doulbled with all of the face, ear, nose, eye brow, chin, lip, and cheek piercings. As I sat in the last row of the theater, I swear to God I could see the silhouettes of their heads wobbling back and forth...Their necks straining to keep their heads in an upright position. Poor pathetic magnetic bastards.

As a child,WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (4) was never one of my favorite movies. Although a child, I found it to look cheap and boring. As an adult I viewed the film in a different way. In addition to still looking cheap and still being boring I thought it supported certain psychedelic themes that are irresponsible...Especially when dealing with a movie that children will be watching. Needless to say, when I heard that Hollywood was remaking the film and renaming it CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, I didn't get to excited. My feelings changed a bit when Tim Burton was assigned to direct and Johnny Depp came on board to play the mysterious Willy Wonka. Burton and Depp have a history of making very good to great movies together: Edward scizzorhands (8), ED WOOD (10)(If you haven't seen this movie...Why haven't you?), and Sleepy Hallow (10). Could they make it 4 in a row? Five months ago movie fans were able to get the first look of what Depp looked like as Willy Wonka. I was diappointed...He looked like a freak. This may be an obscure reference but he reminded me of a crosss between Michael Jackson and Martin Short's character in the movie CLIFFORD (0). Any thoughts of Michael Jackson and a children's movie brings way to many bad vibes. Because of this and after a marathon movie weekend I determined that I wasn't going to like CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY before I even sat in my seat. As Depp made his appearance my initial concerns were validated. Jackson...I mean Depp...Simply looked creepy. As Wonka started to guide the golden ticket holders into his magical factory I began to salivate over the "candy room"...Who wouldn't want to drink from a chocolate river? The screenplay supplied Depp with several good one-liners directed to the obnoxious parents and their children. I must admit...I love being condescending to children (and sometimes to adults). Wait a second...With my love of candy...I have a lot on common with Willy Wonka. Depp's version started to grow on me throughout the film and I began to judge the entire experience separately from the 1971 movie. And lets not forget about the Oompa Loompas. The vertically changed actor Deep Roy received the pleasure of getting cloned Hollywood style. Seeing clips of the Oompa Loompas before the actually movie was another reason that contributed to me predetermining that I wasn't going to like the movie. But, like the Wonka character I was proven wrong. The Oompa Loompas were my favorite character(s) in the movie. Their musical numbers were hilarious. I give CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY a surprising "8". The team of Burton and Depp are 4 for 4.