THREE DAYS, 179 MILES...AND 5 MOVIES

To ride bicycle or to watch movies...That is the question. As the years pass the answer to that question is usually...Bicycle. My knees continue to feel good and my endurance gets better and better each year. Although I know this won't continue forever I feel I need to take advantage of the situation for as long as possible. Over the weekend I rode 179 miles. Not a big deal in the big scheme of things (if you don't like bragging...Don't read on), but what I was most proud of was reaching the 30,000 mile mark for the decade. I started keeping track of miles ridden on January 1, 2000. In that first year I rode just over 2300 miles. Each year I've increased that total. In 2004 I rode 6709.1 miles. Currently, I'm at 5054.9 miles for 2005...It shouldn't be a problem crushing last years mark. In short, bicycling takes up most of my movie watching time. But sometimes the movie and bicycle Gods look down on me with large toothy grins and the planets become aligned so that I can do both...Bicycle and watch movies. On second thought...Maybe it was because my wife went on vacation without me? Needless to say, it was a good weekend. Along with the 179 miles that I rode I was able to see 5 movies. Below is a short review of each. Enjoy.

DARK WATER: I'm so incredibly tired of the Japanese horror remake phenomenon. Did THE RING begin this craze? I personally think THE SIXTH SENSE was such a huge and surprising success that Hollywood was desperate to cash in on the "ghost" excitement. In DARK WATER Jennifer Connelly stars as a mother who loves and protects her daughter so much that it just might be driving her mad. She refuses to make the same mistakes her mother made. In doing so she pays more attention to not making parenting mistakes instead of actually taking care of her child. After separating from her husband and low on cash, she moves into an awful apartment building. I swear you can scroll down to THE RING 2 review for the rest. You might like this flick id you haven't seen the movies that it is trying imitate. Although the movie is a little boring it did have to strong points. The first is John C. Reilly, he plays a slimy realtor that is convinced that the awful apartment is a utopia. It was comical listening to him convince the Connelly character of this lie. ABC...Always Be Closing. I also liked the ending. Without giving the ending away the sacrifice that Connily makes and the scene with her and the "ghost" worked well. However, because the entire movie seems so redundant I can't recommend it. DARK WATER gets a "5".

Summer mmovie season exists for directors like Micheal Bay. Over the past 10 years no director has bigger explosions or more action than Bay directed movies. BAD BOYS (7), THE ROCK (9), and ARMAGEDDON (8) (yes, I'm purposely not mentioning PEARL HARBOR and BAD BOYS 2) were all crowd favorites that supplied dramatic explosions and elaborate action scenes with a special flare for making the actors involved look very cool. THE ISLAND begins with the introduction of Lincoln, played by Ewan McGregor, and Jordan played by Scarlett Johansson. For the record, Johansson has never done anything for me...But in this movie...She is hot! I've never seen anyone make an all white jogging suite look so good. Lincoln and Jordon seem to live in a perfect utopia. Their eco-pod world may not provide the best food or many options for clothing styles but it seems that everyone gets along and everything is done for them. Lincoln however is bored and very curious. With some investigation and help from a maintenance man played by Steve Buscemi Lincoln discovers that he is nothing but an insurance policy; A clone used for spare parts when the real Lincoln becomes sick or disfigured. After discovering this He and Jordan escape the eco-pod into the real world that they didn't know existed. Believe it or not the movie was working on a perfect 10 at this point. Bay's vision of the clone utopia was stylish and fun to look at. The suspense and thriller aspect was increasing rapidly...Until bay decided to go to familiar territory and turn a great story into a mindless chase movie. After escaping, they are hunted down by a special forces agent for hire played by Djimon Hounsou. Professional critics have written that was a practice in bad casting. I thought Hounsou played the bad guy for hire role very well. The action sequences were are well done but I had to keep asking myself..."Haven't I've seen all of this before?" THE ISLAND gets a marginal thumbs up...A "6". Most science fiction fans will like the beginning but may not like the second half.

THE BAD NEWS BEARS is a remake of the 1974 movie of the same name starring Walter Mathou. I've never seen the original so I had to judge the film on its own Merritt. The current version stars Billy Bob Thorton as a drunk who for some extra cash decides to coach a cast of misfit kids in a summer baseball league. You have to respect Thorton. Not many men could walk away from Angela Jolie to go on tour with a horrible bar band. Thorton is a man you can admire. His character, Morris Buttermaker, is much the same. His nonchalant attitude takes an immediate effect on the young baseball team. The kids constantly fight while calling each other non-politically correct names. This was my favorite aspect of the movie. The world is so damn politically correct that it makes me sick. If you are offended by the worst player on the team, who happens to be a quadriplegic confined to a wheelchair, being placed in right field...You don't want to see this film. THE BAD NEWS BEARS is funny in subtle ways. Its not laugh out loud funny but I had a grin on my face through the entire movie. THE BEARS get a "7".

What the hell is Rob Zombie doing writing and directing a movie? What the hell is Hollywood thinking allowing him to write and direct his own movie? What the hell was I thinking paying good money to see his movie? What the hell! Rob Zombie has as much business directing a movie as a bald man entering a Rod Stewart look-a-like contest. Interesting fact: Rob Zombie's real name is Robert Cummings...He doesn't sound so cool now does he? The movie in question is THE DEVIL'S REJECTS, a sequel to 2003's HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES. I'm not going to waste a lot of time explaining what the movie is about. I will tell you that it has several disgesting murder scenes, awful awful language, and the world's scariest clown. Remember the the 2nd chick who replaced Suzanne Summers in Three's Company? She's in this movie! After reading this I'm sure you will be surprised to read...I kind of liked the flick. Am I ashamed?...Yes. I look at mindless entertainment as a "brain cleansing". Once your brain is cleansed you can be free to totally absorb good wholesome entertainment. THE DEVIL'S REJECTS gets a generous "6". One more thing. I wish I would have had a camera to take pictures of the freaks that were seeing this movie. The weight of their heads had to be doulbled with all of the face, ear, nose, eye brow, chin, lip, and cheek piercings. As I sat in the last row of the theater, I swear to God I could see the silhouettes of their heads wobbling back and forth...Their necks straining to keep their heads in an upright position. Poor pathetic magnetic bastards.

As a child,WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (4) was never one of my favorite movies. Although a child, I found it to look cheap and boring. As an adult I viewed the film in a different way. In addition to still looking cheap and still being boring I thought it supported certain psychedelic themes that are irresponsible...Especially when dealing with a movie that children will be watching. Needless to say, when I heard that Hollywood was remaking the film and renaming it CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, I didn't get to excited. My feelings changed a bit when Tim Burton was assigned to direct and Johnny Depp came on board to play the mysterious Willy Wonka. Burton and Depp have a history of making very good to great movies together: Edward scizzorhands (8), ED WOOD (10)(If you haven't seen this movie...Why haven't you?), and Sleepy Hallow (10). Could they make it 4 in a row? Five months ago movie fans were able to get the first look of what Depp looked like as Willy Wonka. I was diappointed...He looked like a freak. This may be an obscure reference but he reminded me of a crosss between Michael Jackson and Martin Short's character in the movie CLIFFORD (0). Any thoughts of Michael Jackson and a children's movie brings way to many bad vibes. Because of this and after a marathon movie weekend I determined that I wasn't going to like CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY before I even sat in my seat. As Depp made his appearance my initial concerns were validated. Jackson...I mean Depp...Simply looked creepy. As Wonka started to guide the golden ticket holders into his magical factory I began to salivate over the "candy room"...Who wouldn't want to drink from a chocolate river? The screenplay supplied Depp with several good one-liners directed to the obnoxious parents and their children. I must admit...I love being condescending to children (and sometimes to adults). Wait a second...With my love of candy...I have a lot on common with Willy Wonka. Depp's version started to grow on me throughout the film and I began to judge the entire experience separately from the 1971 movie. And lets not forget about the Oompa Loompas. The vertically changed actor Deep Roy received the pleasure of getting cloned Hollywood style. Seeing clips of the Oompa Loompas before the actually movie was another reason that contributed to me predetermining that I wasn't going to like the movie. But, like the Wonka character I was proven wrong. The Oompa Loompas were my favorite character(s) in the movie. Their musical numbers were hilarious. I give CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY a surprising "8". The team of Burton and Depp are 4 for 4.

THE WEDDING CRASHERS: Celebration of Laughs

Comedies are my least favorite movie genre. If a comedy isn't funny...It fails. I don't care if the acting is top-notch. I don't care if the direction and cinematography are praised by their respective guilds. If a comedy isn't funny it ceases to be comedy and becomes an exercise in boredom. On the other hand, when a comedy works audiences can feel a buzz traveling through the theater. Everyone is laughing. Everyone can hear each other laughing ...The theater is connected. After all...Laughter is the best medicine when we're knee deep in summer movie hell. THE WEDDING CRASHERS is a funny movie and will most likely be the best comedy of 2005 (ELECTRA will not be included in the comedy category). In fact, it was so funny that it deserves a 2nd theater viewing. The audience was laughing so hard that I missed a lot of the verbal gags that were plentiful throughout the entire flick.

THE WEDDING CRASHERS tells the adventures of John, played by Owen Wilson, and Jeremy, played by Vince Vaughn. John and Jeremy play life long friends who are divorce mediators. On vacations they like to go hunting...Hunting for babes. Their hunting ground is weddings. As uninvited guests they crash the wedding nuptials and prey on woman who are emotionally vulnerable from all the romance (and alcohol) in the air. The movie begins with a montage of the boys on safari. They crash American weddings, Irish weddings, Indian weddings...Bridesmaids and single woman beware! Of course all of the women are hot, which is total b.s...but its fun to play along. At each wedding celebration they bag the legal limit. All of the weddings I attend never have hot woman in attendance. The only available woman I see are fighting to get as many sliver size slices of cake as humanly possible. Actually, I'm married and don't look at other woman...But it might explain why I didn't get a slice of cake at my own wedding?

As the movie continues the boys decide to crash one last wedding before the end of hunting season. The United States Treasury Secretary's (played by Christopher Walken) daughter is getting married. John, wanting to get involved in politics, feels this would be a great opportunity to meet the secretary. At the wedding John and Jeremy place dibs on their future trophies. John chooses Claire (Rachel McAdams) and Jeremy chooses Gloria (Isla Fisher), both are bridesmaids and sisters of the bride.

We all know the boy is going to get the girl and realize that John and Clair's courtship is the important relationship that the movie's plot revolves around. John's meets Claire by offering help with her wedding toast. Although Claire has a boyfriend she admires John's aloofness and crooked nose charm. Their courtship remains conventional and offers no surprises. There are a few laughs...But like I said above...The boy will get the girl.

Most of the comedy comes from the courtship between Jeremy and Gloria. After scoring easily with Gloria, Jeremy tries to make a quick escape. Claire proceeds to declare her longing for them to spend the rest of of their lives together...yikes! Because John is taking his time with Claire, Jeremy is forced to join his friend and the rest of the wedding party for a weekend in the Hamptons. Along the way Jeremy is sexually molested several times by Gloria who turns out to be a loony nymphomaniac. Most of the jokes are adult in nature and the language gets very bawdy. Isla Fisher (right) steals the movie. As Gloria, I couldn't wait to see what she was going to do to Jeremy next...Besides draining him of all of his bodily fluids. It was a good decision to cast a no-name in this part. If the producers hired a well known actress I'm sure the bawdy gags wouldn't been as bawdy.

Although THE WEDDING CRASHERS is about 25 minutes too long the audience gets a surprise performance from an unbilled star. "Chaz" is played by the hottest comedic actor of the day (no...I won't tell you who who it is). Chaz is the ultimate wedding crasher who has turned to funerals to score with babes. The movie is very funny and would be best seen in a theater full of people. We are nearing the end of summer movie season. THE WEDDING CRASHERS "8" is my favorite of the season so far. Go see this movie.

Movie news: Rachel McAdams is going to be a big star. Have you seen the trailer for RED EYE? It looks great!

KONG! KONG! KONG! The KING KONG trailer is awesome. It might be the best preview I've ever seen! Can't wait until December to see this flick! I knew the film was being made for over a year but did not know that it was taking place in the 1930's...Great decision Peter Jackson.

CH-CH-CHANGES...

First I need to apologize for my long absence. Over the past few months...Vacations, work, and bicycling have taken me away from the movie business. The people have spoken. After receiving several emails, phone calls, and hand written letters relaying to me how my simple blog is the reason for so much happiness in their lives and others...lets just say it put things in perspective. Who am I to take away such happiness? Who am I to be responsible for the billion dollar movie industry's failings? It can't be a coincidence that while I was "away" the film industry failed to met last years weekly earnings 19 weeks in a row! For all of this...I'm SORRY.

The reason for this blog entry is to make a few changes to the "Best Movies List of 2004". It's hard to view every movie released in a given year in that same year. Although I wait a few months to release my list there are always a couple movies that fall through the cracks. Unlike the Constitution of the greatest country on God's green Earth...my list is a living document. Movies will never be removed from the list...But movies can be added. In this case the movies added do not change the Top 10...The movies will be placed on the Honorable Mention list. The changes will be made on the blog entry that has the list. Below is a short synapse of each movie added. As always your comments are welcome...There is only 1 rule: "be pithy if you wish to opine."

THE NOTEBOOK is one of the better chick flicks of this decade. THE NOTEBOOK is the story of young lovers from opposite sides of the tracks who at the end of their summer romance get torn apart by circumstances beyond their control. Pretty basic stuff. What makes the story special is that the above events are retold in flashbacks to an elderly woman, played by Gena Rowlands, by an old-timer, played by James Garner (for the record...The Rockford Files theme music is in the top 5 t.v. theme songs of all time). This portion of the movie takes place in a nursing home and contributes to about 30% of the film's plot. Because of this the viewer is treated to 2 movies in one. It's obvious to any movie fan how the "two movies" are intertwined so the surprise ending is a simple plot arc that you knew was coming all along. However, because of the good story telling and the gentle pulling of my heart strings THE NOTEBOOK (8) is one of the better films of 2004.

Usually when I describe a movie as being original...Films such as Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, and this year's Sin City come to mind. These movies have larger than life characters, original camera angels and loads of violence. Because of this I was extremely surprised that I liked WICKER PARK so much. If I had to place it in a category it would be romance, but there are equal parts mystery and thriller in it also. And get this...No one dies, violence is totally non-existent and the characters are normal size. The story revolves around Matthew a young photographer who falls in love with a beautiful woman named Lisa, this is the romance part. After two months Matt asks Lisa to move in with him. Shortly afterward, Lisa disappears without a trace. What happened to Lisa (this is the mystery part)? Two years go by and Matt thinks that he spots Lisa in a restaurant. It turns out to be a woman named Rose who happens to wear the same coat and shoes as Lisa. As Matt learns more about Rose he feels that she's hiding something that may connect her to Lisa (this is the thriller part). Do yourself a favor and check this flick out. If I ever make a list of TOP TEN ORIGINAL FILMS...WICKER PARK (8) will be on the list.

For all of us who liked 2002's THE BOURNE IDENTITY (8), the idea of Jason Bourne coming back for round 2 versus the CIA and numerous secret assassins was a welcome idea. THE BOURNE SUPREMACY is much of the same as the series first installment...Which is a very good thing. If it ain't broke...Don't fix it. SUPREMACY consists of the same cat and mouse games and mature action that made the first installment a box office success. Joan Allen provides the audience with a great performance as a CIA department head out to capture/kill Jason Bourne. She's tough as nails and willing to risk the lives of CIA operatives to achieve her objective...You have to respect that. Matt Damon is becoming one of my favorite actors. He's extremely believable in this action role and I look forward to the third installment...Although there is no word yet on the production of such installment. THE BOURNE SUPREMACY (8) is just as good as THE BOURNE IDENTITY.

Have you seen these movies? let me know hat you think!